HealyHQ

Artistic “Talent” Does NOT Exist [Part 2]

Remember that post I made last year about artistic talent not actually being a thing, and that anyone can learn to draw if they have the necessary self-discipline and practice and study and work hard at drawing and stuff?

Unfortunately, I lack the proper self-discipline to stay on any one project for any extended length of time and put in the necessary hours. ‘Tis the curse of the Gemini, I’m afraid. I mean, it took me years to finally settle down on a single project for more than a month and finally finish a thing (and that thing sucked too). Actually, I should stop making excuses: that has nothing to do with being a Gemini, and has everything to do with my debilitating atychiphobia. I can’t seem to get over it.

Drawing, like most things worth learning in life, takes failure to progress. You can’t be afraid to make mistakes. You have to push through that and take every little thing as a learning experience. I know that. I do. ACCELERATE only exists because I forced myself to finish it, to push through, even though I knew it was terrible. I did it by locking myself in my room and not allowing myself to leave each day until the amount of work I wanted done that day was done. I couldn’t converse with anyone, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t even use the bathroom. I forced myself, each day, to work a little on that project. And even though the final product isn’t anything like I imagined at first, guess what?

I finished it.

I completed that project and put it out on the ‘net — putting a little piece of myself in a place where anyone can attack and berate and degrade me — and while that may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, to us few with atychiphobia, it’s a Big Freaking Deal. Especially since I also suffer from a mental disorder called AvPD, which certainly doesn’t help matters in the least.

The thing is though, I thought if I forced myself to finish a thing, I wouldn’t be scared anymore, and I could create more things, and ultimately get better and better at the skills those things require with each thing I create.

I was wrong.

The fear never goes away. It’s a consistent force that constantly gnaws into your very being, slowly devouring you and throwing you into a dark abyss from which there is no return. Or at least, that’s how it feels to me.

This has been going on for far too long, and nothing I do makes it go away. I have self-help books, I’ve read online articles, I try to take the advice of all the professionals I’ve talked to, and even though I know what’s causing this and why, it doesn’t simply disappear. Just because you know what it is and what causes it, it doesn’t just go away.

It’s a thing you have to learn to live with — a thing you have to learn to ignore. You have to press onwards, through the pain, through the fear, and force yourself to finish a creation — something you put your heart and soul into — and put it in a place that makes you utterly vulnerable: in front of others. It’s easy to say, “Who cares what other people think?” It’s an entirely different thing to actually believe it. Deep down, we all care what other people think. We all have that fear inside us…just some more so than others.

However, regardless of my own emotions and “issues,” you’ll be happy to know that I haven’t given up on this. I do still wish to draw, as I have since middle school. I’ve been told all my life that I have great potential as a writer — and at this point, I can believe that (I’ve been known to “spin a good yarn” on occasion) — but there’s always been that nagging feeling inside me that says, “How awesome would it be to not only write a good story, but also show a good story?” Some of the stories I’ve created would certainly feel right at home in comic, graphic novel, or visual novel format. (Visual novels, especially, are a thing I wish more people would give a chance here in The West. It combines all of my favorite things — games, music, books, and visual art — all into one product!)

So I haven’t given up. I haven’t been practicing drawing much at all this past year, and I attribute that to my fear of failure and making mistakes, but I’m going to push through that. It may take a long while to come, but I hope to one day become a beacon to those who suffer from AvPD, a light that will show others that they too can create great things if they try with all their might. I want to show people what human beings are capable of, even in the face of adversity. I want to prove to the world, once and for all, that “talent” does NOT exist, and anyone can do anything they set their mind to.

Believe me when I say this: the next time I write about this subject — in [Part 3] of this series of posts — I will have some decent drawings to show for myself. You have my word on that. I will not let AvPD or fear of failure stop me from that; that’s a promise.

A.C.C.E.L.E;R.A.T.E.

I’m not sure if I ever posted about this here on my blog, but those associated with me on Facebook, Twitter, and deviantART are already aware of this project (download link is at the bottom of this post if you wanna skip this Great Wall of Text™). If I didn’t post it here (I’m too lazy to go and check at the moment) it was because I didn’t want to post anything about it until it was done. I got tired of the whole “telling the world about a project but never finishing it” thing.

Anyway, as this post insinuates, I have completed a creative project (it’s a miracle!)

In April, I decided to write/compose/produce a song. It didn’t have to be good or anything; I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do something like this if I put my mind to it. Mainly due to my apparent inability to ever finish anything I start. I figured a simple song project would be just that: simple.

It was anything but.

I’ll go ahead and let a few posts I made on Facebook over the past three months tell the tale:

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[May 1st, 2012]

My little music project was going along swimmingly for the most part, but now I’ve reached a standstill with the current sounds. It just doesn’t “meld” well, if that makes sense. I’ve decided to re-compose it, using the same main melody, but changing sounds around to be much more pleasing to the ears of a wider audience. It currently sounds really glitchy and chiptune-esque, but after listening to the music in my head, I think this track will work out much better as a Trance/Electronica song.

I originally intended this track to be released sometime this week, but that isn’t happening. I’m gonna try this again, because I’m absolutely positive this song will sound better the second time around. I’m not giving up on this, because I know it’ll be cool if I could just get it to sound like it does in my head. I’ll let you all know when it’s done so I can get feedback on my work.

[May 16th, 2012]

Man, this song I’m composing has taken such an interesting turn. It is officially a totally different song from the first incarnation. Everything down to the basic melody has changed. And I think it’s all the better for it.

I went through three stages as far as vocals/lyrics go: originally, it was going to be based off of a poem I wrote before, but the vocals didn’t match the overall tone of the original composition, so I scrapped it.

Then I started on the second incarnation from scratch and planned on using the original lyrics in that one, but in the end, it just wouldn’t work. It seems making music and then trying to shoehorn lyrics into it later just doesn’t work. Haha! So I’m saving those lyrics for another track I may produce another time.

So I figured, okay, I’ll just make this one completely electric with no vocals. Most electronic music has no lyrics, after all. But then an interesting thing happened: I began humming to the section of the song I’m working on now, and realized there’s definitely something I could fit there. Not only that, but the humming made the track feel more “whole” — more complete, if that makes sense. It always felt like there was something “missing” until then.

So, since, like, two in the morning ‘till now, I’ve been working on producing lyrics for this song, and I think I’ve created a winner! It’s a totally new poem for a totally new music track! :D

I was also inspired by a light novel series I’ve been reading called Accel World. Or, well, WAS reading, but there’s been an anime adaptation since then, so I’ve been watching that instead. :P And, man, it’s so freaking cool! It’s still airing in Japan, a new episode every week, and apparently is gonna get two seasons. So excited! I’ve seen all six episodes currently released and am eagerly awaiting the next one. I’m totally hooked; Accel World is like the embodiment of everything I love about urban science fiction. If you’re an anime geek like me, you owe it to yourself to hit up UTW (my favorite fan-subbing group) and getting all the eps you can of Accel World.

A not-too-distant future where you have wearable computers that let you jack your mind into virtual spaces / Internet and communicate in a telepathic manner? Playing a virtual reality MMO fighting game to build up Burst Points which allow you to accelerate your thought processes a thousand times faster than normal as to slow down your perception of time in the real world? Epic mech battles and general shonen action awesomeness? A love triangle to spice things up?! Heck, yeah! This anime has it all! Freaking LOVE Accel World!

Anyway, the point of all this is that my song has pretty much become a homage to Accel World, because that’s where I took inspiration for some of the lyrics. But even for folks who have no idea about the anime, it’s still metaphorically and symbolically followable, as I use pretty common or obvious metaphors and symbolism that anyone could follow and empathize with. It makes perfect sense, even outside the context of Accel World, which is exactly how homage’s should be, in my opinion. That way, everyone can enjoy it. :)

Finally, my song officially has a title! It’s, “A Certain Conscious Ejects Languished Exhilaration; Regain Awakened Truth Earnestly,” or “A.C.C.E.L.E;R.A.T.E.” for short. :P

So look forward to my first full-length electronic music project, A.C.C.E.L.E;R.A.T.E., coming soon! :D

[June 19th, 2012]

Excellent! My crappy song project is finally done! Been messing around with it since the end of April and I’m finally done with it. Thank goodness. It didn’t turn out at all like I wanted, and nothing I do will ever make it sound professional since, well, I’m not a professional composer/producer. This is literally the first time I’ve ever tried something like this, so I like to equate it to a first drawing or first story etc., i.e. no one ever gets it “right” their first time with anything, so no biggie. At least this proves once and for all that I can do something like this if I put my mind to it. Probably would’ve finished it a whole lot sooner if it weren’t for all the procrastinating I did. Haha! XD

Anyway, it’ll be available to download tomorrow; I’ll post a link to it on my wall/timeline here so everyone who wants to can check it out. I’ll probably tag a bunch of people to give me some constructive criticism as well. I probably already know a lot of what I could do to make it better, but man, I’m just done working on this. I’m personally getting tired of listening to it dozens of times a day. XD So I’m not changing anything with it. The criticism I get will be put to use on future tracks, if I actually produce any more. I’m not sure if I should yet, since this one was a TON of work for something that sucks as much as it does. Hahaha! Seriously, you have no idea the kind of work that goes into something like this until you try it yourself. I have a new-found respect for music writers, composers, producers, performers, et al. I started off thinking it was just gonna be a quick and dirty project, and it grew into something so much more; certainly past my own skill level, at any rate.

Still, even though it was a lot of work to make a crappy electronic song, I did have a little fun with it, and I feel good about myself for finishing it. I almost quit halfway through, and though it’s not that good, I’m glad I didn’t quit. I learned a lot from this experience.

I hope a few of you will check it out tomorrow. I know I’ve said countless times that it isn’t that great, but I did put a lot of effort into it, so I hope someone will at least give it a shot and tell me what they think. Thanks in advance for that. :)

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So, that’s that. It started off as a simple project to prove I could finish something I start for once, and evolved into something bigger than I ever could have imagined. As stated above, though I deem it “complete,” I am not at all happy about my work. However, I’m not gonna hold it against myself, since it was my very first time ever trying something like this. I’m sure if I continue to work on musical projects like these, I will gradually get better with my work. Whether or not I shall continue to make “music” however is undecided. I’m still giving it thought. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Thanks for making it this far if you’ve been reading along, and I hope this brings you a little up to speed on what I’ve been up to lately. It has been a while since I’ve made any ‘meaningful’ posts here at HealyHQ.com, so this Great Wall of Text™ should make up for that. :)

And so, without further adieu, here’s a link where you can listen to (and download, if you actually end up liking it) the crappy song project thing I’ve been working on for the last three months: http://healyhq.bandcamp.com/album/a-c-c-e-l-e-r-a-t-e

And, We’re Back!

Thank you for your patience, everyone. Didn’t take a week like I thought, just a few days. My domains transfered to my new registrar in tact and have been renewed for another year in the process. The DNS is pointing to Tumblr correctly, so my blog is back online. HealyHQ.com now leads to this blog again. Huzzah! :)

HealyHQ.com May Suffer a Little Downtime

Hello, everyone. Some web-admin stuff going on: I’m currently in the process of transferring some domain names to a different registrar. HealyHQ.com and HealyHQ.net are included in these domains. Because the Domain Name Server (DNS) for these domains are changing during this time, “HealyHQ.com” and “HealyHQ.net” may not lead to this website for a while. For those used to getting to this site via one of these URLs, for the next week, please use the standard Tumblr address, HealyHQ.Tumblr.com to access this website. Apologies for any inconvenience this may cause…though I doubt it’ll cause much, since no one ever visits this blog anyway. Haha! But if there are some of you who do, consider this a heads-up. Things should be back to normal by this time next week. I’ll have to set up a new DNS once the domain transfer is complete and have it route to this site. :)

Happy Anniversary, HealyHQ.com!

Today is a special day, ladies and gentlemen. Today is Thursday, July 28th, 2011, and it was on Wednesday, July 28th, 2010, when HealyHQ.com received its very first post! That’s right, this blog here is officially a whole year old today! Hooray and happy day! :-)

I wonder what HealyHQ’s next fiscal year will bring! Hopefully an iOS video game designed and developed by yours truly. ;)  Haha! Well, whatever happens, I’m sure it’ll be exciting. There’s never a dull moment when I’m involved. :-P

Have a good day, everyone. Be sure to drink a toast (not literally!) for HealyHQ.com today. :-D

iDream

So I have this dream, right, that I’ll one day make a video game. I’ve wanted to be a video game developer for as long as I can remember. I went and learned all kinds of programming languages and about the industry as a whole for several years. And it wasn’t that long ago that I decided that I wanted to specifically make arcade-esque games for handheld consoles.

Unfortunately, my choices were limited. Like, severely limited. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to work with Nintendo of America, inc. Or, in the very least, work for a third party developer making games for Nintendo consoles. So of course, my first thought was to get a Nintendo DSiWare development kit. DSiWare seemed like the perfect platform to start my development career! But alas, Nintendo is VERY strict on who gets to develop for them. From Nintendo’s development site:

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1. Developer Qualifications: An Authorized Developer will have demonstrated the ability to develop and program excellent software for Nintendo video game systems or for other game platforms. In addition, an Authorized Developer will have a stable business organization with secure office facilities separate from a personal residence ( Home offices do not meet this requirement ), sufficient resources to insure the security of Nintendo confidential information and in order to ensure an effective environment for working with Nintendo and/or its Publishers. Nintendo provides Authorized Developers with highly confidential information and many of Nintendo’s Publishers also rely on recommendations and referrals to Authorized Developers. For these reasons, Nintendo exercises a very high level of care in evaluating Authorized Developers.

2. Confidentiality Agreement; Release of Confidential Information: If approved as an Authorized Developer, your company will receive written software programming specifications for Nintendo platforms, and the ability to purchase software development tools solely for use at that company’s business location. Authorized Developers will have access to Nintendo’s Software Development Support Group’s website to discuss all development issues and receive technical updates. Each employee of an Authorized Developer who has access to the Nintendo proprietary information will be required to sign a suitable confidentiality agreement with the Authorized Developer, with terms at least as strict as those in the NDA. If your company did not intend to enter into the NDA, then DO NOT access our proprietary website or any of our confidential information, and immediately notify us that you are declining to proceed as an Authorized Developer.

3. Game Development: Rights granted to an Authorized Developer for Wii, Nintendo DS, or Nintendo 3DS extend only to the use of Nintendo’s proprietary information for the development of games on Wii, Nintendo DS, or Nintendo 3DS. No rights are being granted as a result of being approved as an Authorized Developer to manufacture, market, promote or otherwise exploit developed games or the Nintendo proprietary information, whether incorporated in hardware, software or accessory formats. Any such rights will, if granted, be pursuant to a separate License Agreement with Nintendo.

4. Development Kits: Approximate development costs range from $2,000 to $10,000, depending on the size of your team. Financial stability is expected by Authorized Developers in order to purchase the necessary development equipment for your project.

5. Game Publishing: Becoming an Authorized Developer does not mean that any game you develop will be published. If your company is developing a game on Nintendo platforms for retail distribution, it is your responsibility to secure your own business agreement with a Publisher having a License Agreement with Nintendo for the specific platform.

If your company is developing a WiiWare, DSiWare, or Nintendo 3DS eShop game, it is in Nintendo’s sole discretion both whether to offer you a Content Development and Distribution Agreement and whether to release your game.

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Now, I have no problem with NDAs (non-disclosure agreements). I would take them dead seriously and would remain within the law at all times. None of Nintendo’s confidential material would get out to anyone through me, I would stake my life on it. The problems begin to arise at this line:

“In addition, an Authorized Developer will have a stable business organization with secure office facilities separate from a personal residence ( Home offices do not meet this requirement ).”

Yeahhh…I’m a homebrew developer. In other words, I work from home.

Another problem is with this line:

“Approximate development costs range from $2,000 to $10,000, depending on the size of your team. Financial stability is expected by Authorized Developers in order to purchase the necessary development equipment for your project.”

Mmmhmm… I can’t afford that!!! Holy crap, Nintendo, that’s expensive as Hell! $10,000? Just for a development kit ALONE?! Jeez!

And then there’s this:

“Becoming an Authorized Developer does not mean that any game you develop will be published.”

Now, of course I know that they have a quality assurance team, and I’d never release anything with my own name on it unless it was a pretty decent product. You know, I wouldn’t want to make MYSELF look bad or anything, let alone Nintendo. But after spending $10,000 for a development kit, plus the thousands and thousands it would take just to secure an office in a commercial zone, all the physical and networking security, and all the monthly payments THAT all ensues, well…knowing that after allll that, there’s no guarantee I’ll even get to publish my game when it’s done is, well, a bit of a downer, to say the very least.

Needless to say, I won’t be making games for Nintendo anytime soon. >_>

So then, of course, I looked at SONY. The “PSP Minis” platform looked right up my alley. Now, SONY doesn’t charge nearly as much as Nintendo does for their development kits. That’s awesome. Unfortunately, they still require the minimum of having an office building in a commercial zone, and I simply can’t afford that. I have a home office. That’s where I do my work. Period. If they can’t accept that, well then, I can’t deal with them.

So, since Microsoft doesn’t have a portable device that ISN’T a phone, there was only one other place for me to turn to.

Apple.

Apple’s development requirements are soooo much more lenient, and I applaud them for it. It’s still going to require some start-up costs, but the good news is, if I develop iOS applications, I can work from home. In fact, I can work from anywhere! The only costs involved are the annual $99 per year for having Apple store the iOS application on their own servers and sell it in their own store, and the cost of a “development kit.” And how much is that? Well, however much I can score an iPod Touch for. Yep, they don’t require a “development kit” in the sense that it’s a special type of product that’s open only to the developer like with other companies. Nope, with Apple, ANY iOS device can be used as a development kit. And that, my friends, is awesome. Like, really awesome. Seriously lowers the bar on developing for their platform.

The only problem I have with Apple is that they require you to build the application on a Mac running the latest OS and updates. This is obviously a cash grab by Steve Jobs, forcing people to buy one of his computers in order to develop for iOS, while for anything else I could use any operating system (my personal favorites being Linux Mint and Ubuntu Linux, two distributions of GNU Linux, obviously). This is going to cost me however much I can get a computer (preferably a laptop so I can go anywhere with it) running the latest Mac OS with all the updates installed.

Unfortunately again, Macs seem to retain their sell value much better than “normal” PC’s, even though they’re made out of EXACTLY the same damn parts! This makes no sense to me…what people are paying all that money for is the OS itself, not the computer it runs on. I could BUILD a computer and buy Mac OS from Apple.com myself and install it (i.e. making a “Hackintosh”) for FAR cheaper than it would be to buy a Mac from Apple directly. Problem is, Apple does a damn good job of blocking many Hackintosh’s from receiving certain updates. No idea how, and I’m sure there’s plenty of people who get around this easily, but I’d much rather I just get something and it work out of the box for development. For everyday computing, a Hackintosh would work just fine, but for development, it’s a little more complicated than that.

So, here’s what I’m up to now: saving up for an iPod Touch 4th gen and a laptop running Mac OS X v 10.6.7 with decent specs so I can begin application development for iOS. I’m already a registered Apple developer, just not an “iOS” developer. I’d like to change that.

Wish me luck!


Robert B. Healy III,  HealyHQ™
Peace, Love, Harmony, and all that Jazz.