I think I need that. I need that Fear. A TRUE Fear. Something that isn’t just all in my head. Something REAL. Something which could seriously hurt me.
That’s the risk/reward relationship I must court.
This is the life I must lead.
Yeah, it IS insane. It’s really, really stupid. I wouldn’t advise anyone, anywhere to try something like this. But it’s just stupid enough to work for me. :B
It HAS to work. Because I won’t have a choice. ;)
I’ve been in a rut too long. This is just the kick in the ass I need.
That’s the point of no return for me. Gonna save until I’ve got juuust enough. After which, my job is gone, my safety net is gone, the time limit starts. The real battle begins — a battle of life and death!
Okay, well, maybe not death.
I’m sure a family friend would lend me enough to last me until I get a new job, but that’s NOT AN OPTION. I don’t want to go back to this life I’m living now. I want my dream job, to create. The only way I’ll ever get rid of my Fear of failure/success, which has been holding me back for all these years, is to FORCE it out of me with an even GREATER Fear. Losing all of my money, all of my assets, having to sell off my cool stuff to make end’s meet… if that doesn’t work, nothing will.
I shall call it: Operation All or Nothing | Do or Die!
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As mentioned above, half of the reason I am intensely afraid of publishing any of my written works is because, “What if one of them makes me famous?” The other half of the reason is because, “What if none of them even get noticed?” I have both a Fear of failure and a Fear of success. A one-two combo which assures my fate: I will always amount to nothing, because I am too afraid to act.
I quote the band Train a lot. Many people know me as the guy who puts “It’s not just a daydream if you decide to make it your life,” in all of his forum signatures. I did this because I thought if I surrounded myself by an inspiring message, it would eventually compel me to act. Well, I guess it finally worked after all these years. Here comes another lyric, compliments of Train's 'Drops of Jupiter': “A story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land." I refuse to let that lyric be my life’s story. I refuse to hang in suspended animation, not doing anything because Fear keeps holding me back. I can’t keep living like this. It isn’t even living, it’s just surviving. I don’t want to merely survive, I want to thrive! I hold onto my safety net for dear life, but what will I do when I am jettisoned into the air and my safety net burns away beneath me?
What’s the whole point of reblogging this? It’s to remind me that do or die time will soon arrive. And to remind me to think long and hard about how I present myself in the public eye. The public shall determine whether I live through my creations or die trying.
November or December: one of these months marks the time my safety net burns away and I am forced to make a living by my own creations. I don’t want to keep surviving the way I’ve been for all these years. I want to make something of myself. Failure…success…I’ve never known either of these, because I was too afraid to even try. Fear rules me. Fear determines every choice I make. If Fear is keeping me bound to this wretched life, then Fear can also be my way out of it!
When this year ends, the plan shall be set in motion.
Your move, Fear. Your move.
And that ends yet another giant wall of text via stream of consciousness by yours truly. Sorry about that; I know most of you don’t give a shit. :P
I’ll reblog some Pokemon stuff or something to make up for it. :3